Reassurance

Sometimes in life you need reassurance. Sometimes it's because you don't believe, other times to remind yourself that you believe correct!

Social butterfly

My entire life I've been the person who didn't believe in being part of a clique. How can you limit yourselves to the same group of people? Why would you want to limit yourself to a few personalities? How are you ever going to adapt to different people, different styles. &behaviors ? I've always believed that the more people I get to know the better of a person I will become.

I remember in high school at lunch I never hung out with just one crew. Everyday I was hanging out with different kids, girls, boys, seniors, juniors, boarders. It didn't matter who they were, I talked to everyone.  Kinda like a nomad of the people. 

However now in my life I'm at that stage where I don't know why I don't have a close friends I don't want to limit myself to just that we still want to do butterflies don't want to get to know everybody that walks the face of this earth however I want a group of people that understand me that understand Who I am how I am my compliments my behavior the ins and outs of how I work how I operate how i exist.

Growing up and moving to usn having to adjust to the life here is just as difficult. Suddenly I had to learn how to make friends again suddenly I had to adjust to this life so I could start a life all over again 13 years later I don't think I was successful.

I've met a lot of people along the way I've learnt a lot of things about human beings I'm at that point where I actually think I could have been a psychiatrist and helped people because I understand them lot better.

Issues

Okay! So I know that I am supposed to live a life where I don't hold on to anger, forgive people, move on from things that happened in the past, remember the good memories, the life lessons, yada yada yada... But I don't! I don't know how. Most of my life I behaved like a spoilt little brat and got away with it. Fought people, fought ideas, fought restrictions, like a perfect text book example of a rebel. But I was happy. My life had a purpose and even I didnt know what it was, everyday was just a new day. A new thing to be discovered, something new to be experienced. Now I feel like all that has faded out of my existence. It is no longer fun. Living has become burdensome. Things get tough. Not just for me but for everyone. But somehow (atleast in my mind) it is tougher for me. I go on each day but I have no purpose. Other than to exist, I have no reasons to do anything. I have no motivation to grow, I have no motivation to workout and be hot (even though I want to have a good body). I fail myself over and over again. Some-days it feels that if I disappeared tomorrow hardly anyone would notice. And if someone did notice, I doubt they would care.

I am not trying to be sad or a "debbie downer" with my post. I am simply trying to compare the different aspect of my life in the extremes it experiences.

Life story

Its interesting how much you can forget. Its interesting how much you can remember. Our story books are editted by our subconsious and we dont even know it.

Rant about dating rules

After having been doing this for a while, I still do not know how dating actually works. Why are there so many rules and constraints? Why aren't people simply allowed to be themselves from the get go? They pretend to be someone else until they get comfortable with this person who they have been dating, then they start acting like themselves but to the other person, you changed. Now deal with it. But they cant be true and honest in the first place, cause we are so quick to judge. And not just judge but do things based on those initial judgements. Do we as humans operate better under pressure? Do we like to make up situations where we are not comfortable just so we can make ourselves feel the false sense of accomplishment after these situations go away? So instead of letting people go through the test of time, we just make our own tests. Most people fail these miserably anyways, so whats the points? As an example, the lame three day rule. Why should a guy have to wait three days to talk to someone he is interested in? Is this a way for us to know if you feel a certain way or just a tease? Or is it to ensure that you are not falling into the traps of instant gratification? I do want to take a minute here and complain about instant gratification. I feel that IG is just like junk food. So good but so bad for you. How much of it should we indulge in? Are there ever times when it is actually good for you? Fries for example make me feel better when I am emotionally distraught, but does the same equate to having men in my life? ......To be Completed.....

Forgiveness

As I sit here trying to do my work, I realize that I cant be mad at you any longer. No matter how stupid or mean a thing you did, it still does not help. I called bazi this past weekend to bitch him out and let him know how I really feel, but that was a very drunk thing and I dont even have his number anymore so I dont know who I was calling. Thankfully no one answered and I dint get mad at no one. I have been thinking about him since. My needs to reach out to him and have him comfort me at all times is something I am so sick of but something I am working on eliminating. However, dispite my stupid needs to have a conversation with bazi, I feel as though I am past the anger, I am past the defeat, I am past being mad. I have forgiven bazi for all the mean things he said to me, for all the horrible things he did to me, for all the things he put me through.
I saw this as a bumper sticker today "for every BEAUTIFUL girl, there is a DUMBASS guy, who did her WRONG and made her STRONG"......so accurate, so perfect, so the story of my life.

4/13/11 7:25pm

No Title

Little things that make you happy,
Little things that help you realize,
How perfect imperfection is,
How strange life is,
How small our existence is,
How pathetic our little desires are,
Compared to the truth of life.