Malik,

I am back in Connecticut.  They didn't lie to me. They told me you weren't here anymore.  I didn't believe them. My heart told me you were gonna be around when I got back. But you weren't. 

There was an accident. Some know some details.  No one knows it all. Different versions of what happened.  They all try to tell me what they know. It doesn't make sense. None of it.  The gaps are confusing to me.

You were special to me. We were complicated.  You made me feel normal, wanted, loved, admired, cared for, and most of all....alive.  You protected me. My heart. You counseled me. Made things better for me. Even when others distanced themselves from me, you saw me regularly.

There is a site where they have built you a shrine. Candles, flowers, and your memories. You took your last breath there. Your side of the car was what hit the pole. People have smoked and drank Jack non-stop.  Sometimes at this spot.

I can't believe you won't just walk into my house anymore. There will never be times when I wake up in the morning to find out that you came over and passed out on my bed.

A few months ago I was sick. You were at Zee and Rajan. You called me as you were driving back and asked if you could stop by.  You came by a few minutes later. You said Zuni was driving back home and was being followed by a cop. You were worried.  She called once she got home and asked you about what happened.  You lied and told her you went home because you didnt want her to worry but you were so worried about her. You feel asleep soon after and you mom kept calling. You were just there passed out on my couch while I was cleaning up the kitchen. Took me forever to wake you up so you could go back home. And now I cannot wake you up. 

I miss you! 

June 2014