Forgiveness

As I sit here trying to do my work, I realize that I cant be mad at you any longer. No matter how stupid or mean a thing you did, it still does not help. I called bazi this past weekend to bitch him out and let him know how I really feel, but that was a very drunk thing and I dont even have his number anymore so I dont know who I was calling. Thankfully no one answered and I dint get mad at no one. I have been thinking about him since. My needs to reach out to him and have him comfort me at all times is something I am so sick of but something I am working on eliminating. However, dispite my stupid needs to have a conversation with bazi, I feel as though I am past the anger, I am past the defeat, I am past being mad. I have forgiven bazi for all the mean things he said to me, for all the horrible things he did to me, for all the things he put me through.
I saw this as a bumper sticker today "for every BEAUTIFUL girl, there is a DUMBASS guy, who did her WRONG and made her STRONG"......so accurate, so perfect, so the story of my life.

4/13/11 7:25pm

4.14.09

Sometimes life asks for us to be simple,
Simply give in to the wonders,
Simply give in to the horrors,
Just move on and let them be
But as we take our lives,
And then just crumple,
A big ball of emotions,
All wrapped up in one motion,
Ready to go up and down,
Swivel all around,
Till the hearts knows where to stop,
Something happens.....

As I prepare for bed, I do not know what life is about. Whenever I think I know, it takes a turn and moves in another direction. It goes to where it wants and it wants something I dont know. But one thing I know. I am Tired. Tired both from the day and from baring the burden of my emotions. Its strange to know it, but sometimes knowing is the best medicine. The dosage however has to be determined and I dont quite know how to work it. I dont know how to work my emotions and I dont know how to live another way. I dont think i would switch my life or live another persons way of life....but I would definately like to have a clearer purpose and direction in my own.