Awaking

You saw me smile,
You saw me cry,
I lived a lot,
I lied a lot,
You helped me grow,
You killed me some,
But each day that passed,
I knew,
I awoke something new,
Something deep inside,
Inside my soul,
That made me smile,
Even when the sun dint show,
I laugh out loud,
Thinking about it,
I dream each day,
I breathe each day.

I dint know I lived in a glasshouse....till everything started to shatter all around......
इ दिंत क्नोव इ लिवेद इन अ ग्लास्शौसे....तिल एवेर्य्थिंग स्तार्तेद तो शत्टर अल अरौंद.....

Something..

I cant wait for you to hold me,
I cant wait for you to touch me,
When you hold my hand,
As walk or as we sit to eat,
My heart feels at home.
I calm my nerves but the tickles in my belly
They dont want to go away,
I eat nothing,
I just dream,
Just dream that one day,
We will be something..
Something we are meant to be.

In the works ( this is a tough one)

Teaching my self to breathe,
As does my heart still bleed,
I remind myself of the pain,
Of all my losses and some gain,
I think of you and it hurts,
I think of times, when I was strong,
Nothing would bring me me down
Nothing could do me wrong,
But now I cannot get back up
Lost myself, its so fucked up!
Recover i want to soon,

Alive

I sit and I think about the days I have lived,
The paths I choose to walk on,
The view I saw along the way,
The birds that provided music,
The rivers I floated on,
The Stars that kept me busy as I counted them,
The moon whose light, eased my fears,
And I realized how lucky I have been,
To be alive through it all.

(Dedicated to Vilas Pendse)

No Answers

On those lonely nights,
When I lay in my bed,
Wondering if it would ever end,
Wondering if my life would get better,
I have flash back to my happy days and miss them,
I think about what my life should be,
I breathe heavier cause i start to get excited,
The things that would happen
All of them would be good,
All better than the last,
Everyone would want them,
Green would be the new black,
And I, the talk of the town,
Then I wonder if happiness is what I want,
If I want to be without you,
If it is possible to be happy and alone,
Answers to them,
I will never know,
As I drift off and sleep it all off....

moment...

Slowly I walked to the door
And then even slower I open it
My heart beat, faster and faster
My breathing slower and slower
I start to pray
But cannot think of what to say
Do I want to be protected to do I need courage?
Will I be okay?
How long will it take?
Do I even know what really is the matter?
Will I know how to handle it?
Scary thoughts now enter my mind
My legs weaken
My heart warns me, that it is not strong enough
But how long can I procrastinate?
I finally take a deep breath,
Open the door and walk....

I dont just want...

I dont just want your smile, I dont just want your truth, I dont just want your pain, I dont just want your affections, rather I want your essence....I want, I want, I want it all

4.14.09

Sometimes life asks for us to be simple,
Simply give in to the wonders,
Simply give in to the horrors,
Just move on and let them be
But as we take our lives,
And then just crumple,
A big ball of emotions,
All wrapped up in one motion,
Ready to go up and down,
Swivel all around,
Till the hearts knows where to stop,
Something happens.....

As I prepare for bed, I do not know what life is about. Whenever I think I know, it takes a turn and moves in another direction. It goes to where it wants and it wants something I dont know. But one thing I know. I am Tired. Tired both from the day and from baring the burden of my emotions. Its strange to know it, but sometimes knowing is the best medicine. The dosage however has to be determined and I dont quite know how to work it. I dont know how to work my emotions and I dont know how to live another way. I dont think i would switch my life or live another persons way of life....but I would definately like to have a clearer purpose and direction in my own.

Hopelessly Hopefull

Sometimes it is easy to walk away
Sometimes it gets harder as days pass
Sometimes it never ends
Sometimes it never begins
But even so,
The noise just keeps getting louder
The noise just stays within me,
The noise just is, its beating,
Faster and Faster.
As I think thoughts of you,
As I dream hopes of you,
As I breath the realities of you,
As I know the impossibilities of you.
I must tell the truth soon,
My liveliness,
My happiness,
My willingness,
My sadness,
Does not all depend on you.
Just on my strength to bare it all.
Letting my soul heal,
From the wounds of yesterday.
As I make room for more,
I distract my heart,
From the pain,
With the thoughts of you,
Healing my heart,
And keeping me sane.

It Is What It is

So my heart hurts,
It hurts so bad
I wish I could just stop life,
Not move, even a bit it should.
I gave you my heart,
Gave you my soul,
Walked on pieces of glasses,
With my feet bare.
Bared it all with fake smiles,
To get closer to you,
Just a bit, even a bit closer I would.
But now the time has come,
When I pull the sword out of my heart,
And let you go.
Because try as I might,
It wont heal till the bleeding stops.
Which wont till you are gone.
I wanted a different end,
But learning and accepting life this way,
Has become a part of me.
Realizing that It is what it is.
A reality of life, in my existence.
Look at it as you would,
The Truth has bitten.
And now there is no saving,
No forgiving,
No fixing,
No loving,
No Living,
Just Breating

4.7.09

It been raining for a few days. Not only is this very depressing, it is also one of those lets that get to me. Literally. My head hurts in this weather like there is no other. I have about 31+ days left to graduate. I am so excited but I am also so nervous. I want to be able to get the hell outta here. I am glad that things are getting better in terms of how I see em. i am not the kind to be sad for long but I know this will take its sweet time. I know that I will have to fight my way out of this...but I feel like I am prepared.
PS I am hungry!
ALSO ON an important note. The Girls won today! GO U-C-O-N-N!!!!! Atleast we have one championship game under our belt. I dont care if the men did not win. They tired damn hard and they gave it all they had. I am sure that they could do better but I am still proud of them no matter what.

Inside Outside

As passes each day,
The Darkness inside rottens' my whole.
Outside the rainbows fill the world with color.
As butterflies fly all around me,
Churning my stomach along with.
What is to come next,
I do not know.
As anxiousness deepens
My fears grow.
Replacing my veins with roots of its own.
Soon flowers shall blossom,
Then Birds and bees shall do their deeds.
Pollinating and spreading,
That which already began.

That Day

I grew a little that day.
I died a little that day.
But till this day,
I have not been able to live a little,
Since that day.

One Morning

I woke up one morning,
And, I was in love.
I woke up one morning,
And, you were gone.
I woke up one morning,
And, realized the depth of it.
I woke up one morning,
And, knew I wasn't in love with you anymore.