Partners in life

Today was a strange day.Well most of my days are strange but today was especially strange cause after what seems like a million year, I actually wanted to be with someone. I was hanging out with my best friend's family and saw a little gesture shared between her brother and his wife. He reached over and massaged her shoulder for a quick second. He was playing with his kid at the same time and talking to her about going home to finish a movie they started. This brief interaction had an interesting effect on me. Suddenly I missed having someone to share my life with. Someone who knows the little things about me, like what makes me happy, what makes me mad, when I do my pee dance and other crazy things about me.I am an extremely strong individual who is very independent and I just want to have someone I can depend on. Someone who can love me in spite and despite who I am!

July 2014

Malik,

I am back in Connecticut.  They didn't lie to me. They told me you weren't here anymore.  I didn't believe them. My heart told me you were gonna be around when I got back. But you weren't. 

There was an accident. Some know some details.  No one knows it all. Different versions of what happened.  They all try to tell me what they know. It doesn't make sense. None of it.  The gaps are confusing to me.

You were special to me. We were complicated.  You made me feel normal, wanted, loved, admired, cared for, and most of all....alive.  You protected me. My heart. You counseled me. Made things better for me. Even when others distanced themselves from me, you saw me regularly.

There is a site where they have built you a shrine. Candles, flowers, and your memories. You took your last breath there. Your side of the car was what hit the pole. People have smoked and drank Jack non-stop.  Sometimes at this spot.

I can't believe you won't just walk into my house anymore. There will never be times when I wake up in the morning to find out that you came over and passed out on my bed.

A few months ago I was sick. You were at Zee and Rajan. You called me as you were driving back and asked if you could stop by.  You came by a few minutes later. You said Zuni was driving back home and was being followed by a cop. You were worried.  She called once she got home and asked you about what happened.  You lied and told her you went home because you didnt want her to worry but you were so worried about her. You feel asleep soon after and you mom kept calling. You were just there passed out on my couch while I was cleaning up the kitchen. Took me forever to wake you up so you could go back home. And now I cannot wake you up. 

I miss you! 

June 2014

Things dont change...because.....

Sometimes in life we stop and wonder why nothing is different from years ago. We moved in time and actually moved forward but we just lose out ability to appreciate the little things. But aren't the big things that count? Well that depends on your priority. But in my experience it's the small things that make you happy.

Current State of Mind - Feb-24-2014

I have enough idea about the world to be labeled a crazy person but I still don't think I Get IT. What are we doing here? What really is our purpose here? I tend to think that I am a person who is liked and respect by those who surround me. Respected not to inflate my ego, but because they genuinely believe in me and my thoughts, ideas and the way I live my life.

I understand that each person is different and that we have our preferences when it come to making decisions about our lives. We all pretend that we are our minds. That what we think is unique to us. But I dont think that statement is accurate. We are creatures of our environments. Our personalities are different, but our values are similar. This similarity is set on many different levels, culturally, religiously, nationally, Continental-ly,  and many, many more forms of segmentation. If there are that many factors effecting our minds, thoughts, actions then are we still truly individual? It can be argued that our individuality is displayed by how our personalities come into play when we are influenced by the many combinations of environmental factors.  

So how does it all tie together? 

Reassurance

Sometimes in life you need reassurance. Sometimes it's because you don't believe, other times to remind yourself that you believe correct!

Social butterfly

My entire life I've been the person who didn't believe in being part of a clique. How can you limit yourselves to the same group of people? Why would you want to limit yourself to a few personalities? How are you ever going to adapt to different people, different styles. &behaviors ? I've always believed that the more people I get to know the better of a person I will become.

I remember in high school at lunch I never hung out with just one crew. Everyday I was hanging out with different kids, girls, boys, seniors, juniors, boarders. It didn't matter who they were, I talked to everyone.  Kinda like a nomad of the people. 

However now in my life I'm at that stage where I don't know why I don't have a close friends I don't want to limit myself to just that we still want to do butterflies don't want to get to know everybody that walks the face of this earth however I want a group of people that understand me that understand Who I am how I am my compliments my behavior the ins and outs of how I work how I operate how i exist.

Growing up and moving to usn having to adjust to the life here is just as difficult. Suddenly I had to learn how to make friends again suddenly I had to adjust to this life so I could start a life all over again 13 years later I don't think I was successful.

I've met a lot of people along the way I've learnt a lot of things about human beings I'm at that point where I actually think I could have been a psychiatrist and helped people because I understand them lot better.

Issues

Okay! So I know that I am supposed to live a life where I don't hold on to anger, forgive people, move on from things that happened in the past, remember the good memories, the life lessons, yada yada yada... But I don't! I don't know how. Most of my life I behaved like a spoilt little brat and got away with it. Fought people, fought ideas, fought restrictions, like a perfect text book example of a rebel. But I was happy. My life had a purpose and even I didnt know what it was, everyday was just a new day. A new thing to be discovered, something new to be experienced. Now I feel like all that has faded out of my existence. It is no longer fun. Living has become burdensome. Things get tough. Not just for me but for everyone. But somehow (atleast in my mind) it is tougher for me. I go on each day but I have no purpose. Other than to exist, I have no reasons to do anything. I have no motivation to grow, I have no motivation to workout and be hot (even though I want to have a good body). I fail myself over and over again. Some-days it feels that if I disappeared tomorrow hardly anyone would notice. And if someone did notice, I doubt they would care.

I am not trying to be sad or a "debbie downer" with my post. I am simply trying to compare the different aspect of my life in the extremes it experiences.