His Purpose

I am only publishing this because my co-worker(s) think its good and that it provides strength. If anyone has had their heart broken they will understand and hopefully be able to understand that his piece of writing is not about sympathy but rather is about gaining perspective and maybe even strength.

This man who I fell in love with about 10 years ago, broke my heart. He didn't just break my heart, he broke me. My existence, everything I knew about myself, my confidence, my pride, my ego.

I switch from time to time with how I feel about it. I'm still learning to deal with it. It was without doubt the biggest blow I've had to my life. It gave me pain so unbearable that it hurt to just think about it yet I bared it! I survived.

But I learnt one thing. When your core is broken, you get desperate to rebuild yourself. You get stronger no doubt but you also learn the significance of life. The little things becomes so valuable. The valuables become so little. 

I feel as though he gave me a huge gift. He gave me my spirituality! He had a purpose in my life and was to get me on started on my current path. Its a long journey but if he didn't break me, I wouldn't have understood or appreciated any of it now.

God makes no mistakes.
9/9/2014

Partners in life

Today was a strange day.Well most of my days are strange but today was especially strange cause after what seems like a million year, I actually wanted to be with someone. I was hanging out with my best friend's family and saw a little gesture shared between her brother and his wife. He reached over and massaged her shoulder for a quick second. He was playing with his kid at the same time and talking to her about going home to finish a movie they started. This brief interaction had an interesting effect on me. Suddenly I missed having someone to share my life with. Someone who knows the little things about me, like what makes me happy, what makes me mad, when I do my pee dance and other crazy things about me.I am an extremely strong individual who is very independent and I just want to have someone I can depend on. Someone who can love me in spite and despite who I am!

July 2014

Malik,

I am back in Connecticut.  They didn't lie to me. They told me you weren't here anymore.  I didn't believe them. My heart told me you were gonna be around when I got back. But you weren't. 

There was an accident. Some know some details.  No one knows it all. Different versions of what happened.  They all try to tell me what they know. It doesn't make sense. None of it.  The gaps are confusing to me.

You were special to me. We were complicated.  You made me feel normal, wanted, loved, admired, cared for, and most of all....alive.  You protected me. My heart. You counseled me. Made things better for me. Even when others distanced themselves from me, you saw me regularly.

There is a site where they have built you a shrine. Candles, flowers, and your memories. You took your last breath there. Your side of the car was what hit the pole. People have smoked and drank Jack non-stop.  Sometimes at this spot.

I can't believe you won't just walk into my house anymore. There will never be times when I wake up in the morning to find out that you came over and passed out on my bed.

A few months ago I was sick. You were at Zee and Rajan. You called me as you were driving back and asked if you could stop by.  You came by a few minutes later. You said Zuni was driving back home and was being followed by a cop. You were worried.  She called once she got home and asked you about what happened.  You lied and told her you went home because you didnt want her to worry but you were so worried about her. You feel asleep soon after and you mom kept calling. You were just there passed out on my couch while I was cleaning up the kitchen. Took me forever to wake you up so you could go back home. And now I cannot wake you up. 

I miss you! 

June 2014